Human Nature

There is something about human nature; I just don’t trust.
I’ve learned not to trust at face value, what’s in front.
I sniff around, and trust my gut instinct when it comes to trust.
I truly think that animals are more earthy and kind sometimes.
I was just in line to get some lunch, and in front of me; I
Observed a woman, whom I immediately disliked.

It was nothing that she said to me; It was the icy, and
haughty air which adorned her -- which irritated me.
She reminded me of someone, whom I had only met once.
I was in a rush to connect to another flight, upon my
Arrival in London. Everyone herded along, at a very slow
Pace to exit the plane, and I politely asked to get through.

I came upon a woman gathering her upper head luggage;
Her husband and kids in tow. She haughtily mentioned
Something to the fact that Americans don’t adhere to
Protocol. “You just have to wait, like everyone else!”
I should have said then…Lady I hope that when you carry
The ashes of your deceased husband in your hand luggage…

That you are spared proper etiquette lessons from an
Impertinent hag. Arriving to Manchester, I took
A train further North. Upon arrival to his hometown,
I called his father who said to me, "Please, we won’t
have anything to do with him." I had never felt so adrift
and desolate in my entire life. Standing in a cold...

Train station where time seemed to have stood still.
In a foreign place with only the company of John’s...
Ashes in my bag. I called up a cab and asked the driver,
A man wearing a white turban on his head, to take me
To that address. I could feel John's presence near me, in
the quaint little town which had fostered his growth.

I arrived at the address with apprenhension in my heart.
I was shocked when the man who greeted me looked like a
faithful replica - although a much older version of John.
I was transfixed, yet, I quickly gathered my thoughts;
When his mother came to the front door. By the look in
Her eyes, I sensed that she wore the pants in the family.

She had a haughty and calculating look about her -- like
the other. This is all I needed to formulate my thoughts.
“Look woman, God bequeathed to you a life -- your son.
There is a time to hold a grudge, and there is a time to
Forgive. Here - this contains the ashes of your only son.
I came from very far away to bring you most of it...

So that he will find peace in your forgiveness. SO TAKE
IT!” Turning to the older man, I said: “You look like
A replica of John,” I said. " Except that he had more guts.”
I investigated the town impregnated with history; nothing
seemed to have changed much in centuries. I could imagine
the horse driven carriages pounding the pavement, and ladies...

With long flowing dresses, imprisoned in corsets -- then in vogue.
John's friends - his surrogate family, were very nice.
I developed a taste for dark beer, served in 900 yr. old pubs.
Upon my train ride back, I passed a town sharing my father's
last name. I thought then, how much my dad would have loved to
travel here to search his English roots. I fought the avalanche

Of tears thinking that the two men I loved most, had recently
passed away. Then it struck me, as the train chugged forward,
that with every passing mile, the past was left further behind.
I was moving forward, towards my future -- whatever it held.
I cleaned up my face, and psyched myself for my exploration
Of London. It was grey and wet, yet, beautiful nonetheless.

It rained unexpectedly, and I was lacking an umbrella.
That was OK. I allowed the rain drops to kiss me, and wash
away my pain. So in retrospect, the above reiterates that
man is truly a beast, in its petulant and vengeful ways.
Yet, it also accentuates his, or her formidable resilience,
When mired in deep pain.




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Unwanted

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“Shh! Don’t even think that!” Why not?
“Because a fetus can feel things, and remember them.”
Well, I don’t want it. Besides, it’s better that it gets
Used to the hard cold realities of life! He'll find out
Anyway that if he is not too tall, he will be rejected
By the basketball team. If he is not too smart; he
Will not be accepted into an Ivy League school.


“You’re a cold bitch.” I am merely pragmatic…
And realistic. If he works hard to build a home and
Family, that still won’t be insurance on becoming
The unwanted. If he gives his heart full of deep
Love, and yearning, there’s a good chance that love
Won’t be reciprocated. And if per chance it is, there’s
No guarantee that it...will last a lifetime.


If he is too strange and does not conform to the “norm,”
Or refuses to play along…he will be ostracized, harassed,
And ridiculed. He is sure to cultivate a plethora of enemies,
And he sure won’t be promoted in the hierarchy of things.
And when he grows too old and feeble; he will then
Become a nuisance, as evidenced by those twin girls
Who heartlessly starved their diabetic mother.


If his skin's too dark, and he does not comply too easily,
Some may conspire to annihilate him in stealthy
Expediency, so that it is then blamed onto someone else.
If he does not accumulate much wealth; there’s a
good chance that he will be kicked to the curb as
soon as someone richer, or more handsome comes her way.
He’d better get a grip, on how the world works today.


We are a society with ingrained belief in consumption.
It's what makes the world-go-'round. We get in heavy
Debt to buy brand name stuff -- stuff we don't really
Need. Then the old stuff becomes the unwanted, and
Easily discarded. Same goes for friends, lovers, and
Relatives. It is easier to start with fresh ones, while
Hiding the less sparkling aspects of our person to them.


So don’t look at the world through rose-colored
Glasses kid, for you are sure to fall flat on your face,
And drink a cocktail mixed with crushed glass and pain.
“I guess what goes around comes around then, for
Here you are, big bellied, and abandoned. It seems that
You will make your child pay.” Well, if what they say about
Karma is true, perhaps he is on the way to pay a heavy debt.






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Monday's Street Cleaning

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This menacing dude is over six feet tall. He has bulging muscles which he showcased by wearing only shorts. His stocky frame, easily weighing in at 235 lbs. or abouts, ran outside while I was writing to him a spicy line. He came out charging like the Hulk, except that he is shaved bald. Immediately we got into it. "I've left you a note before, not to park on my street." he said. Which part don't you understand that this is a public street? I innocently asked.

Again, as if speaking to a recalcitrant child he said, "I've told you nicely, and this is the second time -- don't park in front of my house again." He said this through clenched teeth, as his stocky frame barely contained repressed rage. Look man, if you put another note again on my car, I will deem this harassment and I am going to call the cops; this is public property! Again I felt the palpable anger emanating from him, and through his glazed eyes.

I realized, this was a futile attempt to reconcile. "Fuck you! You can't tell me what to do! This is public property!" I said this, as I quickly got into my car, and drove away. He backed away livid, to run back into his house. I noted that he still clutched my note, which reiterated what I'd said to him just before. Now what? I could go to the cops and make a big deal? I had not been very nice. I would put on my most angelic expression, and say that I was only defending my rights.

Yet, was it worth the hassle? Sister prudence who is perched on my right shoulder; counsels that I should carefully choose my battles. While the fallen angel whispers to me softly, "Fuck it! Don't let him bully you!" So, it's now choosing between pride or finding that my car has been torn apart somewhere in the Tijuana border. Do I save my pride, or sacrifice you baby? I just don't know how I will react tonight for Monday's is street cleaning night.

Stubbornly, I know that I am right, and I don't respond well to bullies at any time...yet, it really does comes down to my pride, or freezing my ass waiting for the MTA bus. I just don't know. Either way, I know that I will hate my decision. If I back down, I know that it will erode at my entrails like pouring acid. Then after a while, I come to realize that this is probably a lesson in humility for me, and I should just let it be and choose peace. Motherfucker!




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Lucky Day

Lucky Day



There was a long line at Target
I simply wanted a soft drink, so I got in line for one
Suddenly, this lady walks towards me and asks:
“Would you like a soda cup? I bought a combo, and I have
An extra one.” Hell yes! Lady you don't know how much I
Abhor waiting in lines; thank you so very much!

I was genuinely thrilled by her kindness; and I sat to read a free copy of The Los Angeles Times -- someone had left abandoned. I thought, wow how lucky did I get today? Then it dawned on me that I had saved a dollar and change, which is what I gave to a homeless man earlier that day! This was not simple coincidence! As I read the news of the day…I fell in conversation with an old man.

I asked him what he thought of the former Arch Bishop, who is now the President of Paraguay, who is said to have fathered a couple -- perhaps more -- children. He shook his head from side to side; I could tell he was a die hard Catholic. I delved into the hypocrisy of the clergy, or that of the macho men mentality of most Latin American countries. For instance, I said, Alan Garcia’s waning popularity surged, when it came to light he had a son, product of an extramarital affair.

He shook his head and laughed, at the stage of his life, he’d seen enough to know human nature. Meanwhile, my attention was divided by the arrival of a woman with luxurious red hair, clutching a bag containing one bread. She was not unattractive, except when one focused on her frontal missing teeth when ever she opened her mouth to converse. After chatting with a friend…

She ambled to the trash bin and dived her hand in to rescue an empty soft drink cup. She shook it for a bit; and unfazed, she filled it to the brim . As I was slurping my Coke, I thought that although one should adhere to an honor code, not everyone chose to honor it. It could be as trivial as not paying for a soda cup, and as serious as breaking an oath to God. This reduces one to the moral structure of a jelly fish.

Shit, I live with self- imposed celibacy, while the Arch Bishop fucked around. Yet, in truth, when I get around to it, I'll probably overcompensate, three times in a day. As I read of the high death rate in Mexico due to the swine flu, I realized I am indeed very lucky. I had, had a free soft drink cup and newspaper that day, while I did not have to wait impatiently in line. And I was also almost getting over my cold. I did feel extremely lucky -- and grateful.





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Loneliness

(Warning! It's charcoal dark)




It is subtly present, like the perennial shadow following one
Usually one keeps it under a tight lid, filed away in obscurity
until perhaps something escalates the pressure to a crescendo:
A shitty day at work, a failed attempt, an anniversary which triggers a memory, until…it can’t be contained any longer
Then, the subtlety is overpowered by a human wail, mute yet piercing; as it resonates like a tidal wave crashing on the surf.


How many times in your life, have you’ve been asked:
“How are you?” By a neighbor, co-worker, or sales clerk
And if only once you were to utter: “Actually, I am hemorrhaging
pain man.” I can bet you ten bucks that the immediate reaction would be shock; for it’s simply not done! While simultaneously, they're figuring out how to intricately disengage, from a truly awkward exchange.


Wouldn’t be nice for a change to expect in exchange…
A heartfelt hug, a mercy fuck, a freebie lunch, or soothing
Massage…with no strings attached?
Mostly when things are very quiet, so quiet that you can listen to your self, when lacking the perpetual mental distractions of the television, radio, gridlock traffic, or banal chats…then! Then is when one usually faces this formidable monster.


Sometimes it lures us into a masochistic fest when walking through memory lane. The shadows on the wall enabled by the street lamp, play havoc on the mind. They dance, tease, and contort into abstract shapes, which then evoke memories of another night spent in someones arms, of furtive hands, and delicious lips -- if only one could turn back time, and right so many, many things. At the very least, one would enjoy profound peace. Yet....


When one tosses on the expansive bed, and feels such palpable
Loneliness and acute need for human touch, yet, what's only tangible and accessible, Is a pillow, some knick knacks,and framed photographs of those loved, and perhaps long gone. One may be tempted to subdue this monster, by grabbing on to a crutch. Be It a cigarette, a sniffer of scotch, or engaging a sexual worker (and those come in different forms.), simply to feel the texture of skin-on skin-contact...


For we are instilled with the craving for touch to nurture us, since birth. One may seek another to alleviate the pain, offering the body as currency exchange. Yet, After the high subsides, one may perhaps, still feel empty inside, desolated, and still lonely nonetheless. Sometimes I wonder when a woman sits alone in a nursery home; as she looks back on how she conducted her life, now -- in the twilight of such -- if perhaps she thinks about how things might have been otherwise...


When her youth has faded, as well as her complicit lover; the one she perhaps conspired with, or cajoled her into negating life to a child. Perhaps she kept the man for a while -- or she climbed the corporate ladder, until she bumped her head on the glass ceiling...many times over. She now has the means to pay for impersonal care giving; as the vultures fly in orbit…hoping to become her beneficiaries. In a planet almost running out of resources, with over six-and-a-half billion people...


Inhabiting it, how can we become hostages to loneliness? We don’t reach out to others' enough for we are afraid of the unfamiliar -- and of rejection too. We are only human, and we need someone…does anybody care? Loneliness hurts, the pain is acute. Yet, it could easily be remedied too, for no man is an island. Very early this morning, an indigent man asked me for spare change. As I gave him a dollar, I looked into his desolate eyes, and felt compelled to ask for a hug for myself -- for us.






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Heaven On Earth

He is dark; I sense it. He is Godless, and attractive
I look around, and wonder sometimes, do people who
Don’t believe in a Higher Power, think Utopia exists
Here on earth? One would have to null the senses
To keep up appearances and the charade

Pillars of power of the most powerful nations
Have toppled like melting ice bergs
Money is adored, like a Divine entity, and some
Will sell their souls, to acquire it. And if all is lost,
Some don’t see the point of going on – without it

Love, which lifts us to the sublime…is
Sometimes brokered or supported by adornments…
This Love…ever contingent on those; and often times…
When faced in a divorce court, thorough despise...
Replaces enduring love, as the passion is deformed

And those who stay married and trudge on…
May find the husband errs in his ways, to seek
Comfort in the arms of lewd boys, or the woman
May find solace in a glass bottle, in prescription
Pills, or the knife of a renowned plastic surgeon

I’m not preaching here; I'm merely asking
I'm only human, and far from perfect
You know, when I was a teen I masturbated once
With Jesus in mind -- and he was not the gardener
The nuns in school drove me crazy…and…

Oh, God! I’ve become one too!
What do they expect at the moment of death?
You know Oscar Wilde changed his tune in his old age
To leave fame and wealth behind? As the flesh decays
And one becomes an obsolete social security number?

I just don’t understand it. “Look, she said, you know
What you need? I’m going to get for you a dildo.”
What’s that you said? Why, I’ve never used one
Technology has replaced real human interaction, as it
Insulates and isolates anyone plugged into their IPod

“You have to loosen up girl!, I’ll get you one for
Christmas.” I need a large apparatus to loosen up
My tight pussy? What is this world coming to
When a machine replaces man in his duties!
I shake my head from side to side and ponder

You're giving credence to Freud's theory that my
Repressed libido is cause for neurosis
If a phallic instrument could bring enlightenment
And enduring fulfillment, one would need a pillar to become
So loosened, as to gather off the ground the fallen uterus

If you were to give me one though, I’d carry it in my
Hand purse, and I'd only use it as a weapon. The
Mushroom head would protrude, and when I open up
My purse, to pay in a crowded checkout line...
I’d get a big kick of the expressions evoked






Painting by Salvador Dali

Darkness and Light

Sometimes I wonder why I even try
The struggle is perennial and ever permanent
I look up to the blue sky, with hopeful eyes...
A stout heart, and then I close my eyes as I
Project my energy to travel upwards. High towards
The heavens, through my pituitary gland...and beyond

Yet, below my middle section there is a cauldron brewing
Molten lava on the verge of erupting from a hot hole
"You know, when you walk towards the light, you will
encounter obstacles meant to derail you." She said
Yes, it's true...I can do fine without the meat and
alcohol, yet do you know what is my Achilles heel?

My mind, which rules my treacherous body
I think...I do believe that I have a dormant
calling. I think that if I had worked in a bordello,
I would have become one of the favorites
"Why is that?" She asked
Because of my chameleon nature, that's why

I would have weaved intricate scenarios
And picked each brain...to find out exactly what
What really made each tick; and I would have easily
Morphed into that which would trigger that response
I would have played with each head -- besides giving
Great head of course, although true to my nature...

I would have been genuinely loving too...you know? I'd have
Emulated in fashion Ms. Fanny Hill. "Why don't you just find
a nice guy?" She asked. You know if I am to stay on this path,
One can't delve into casual play
Temptation does comes in different forms, meant to derail
One. Like that guy...that man...I intuit that I would

Walk a fine line...between my dark and good side...
I might find my true nature perhaps? And, I am afraid of that
"Why not try it and get it out of your system?" She tempted
That is the conundrum, if I were to get it out of my system,
or perhaps become an addict? And in the process, I'd lose my path
"Life is short, live it up!" I smiled, "Such is the mirage."





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My Pseudo Lover

My Pseudo Lover


My treacherous body betrays me
I grab my large pillow and placed it between
My long legs. My hips start to undulate on their
Own accord, as if grinding coffee beans for the morn
My mind plays a part too…as it drifts towards
Him…that man…yeah…that guy

Inevitably I arrive at my destination
One breast escapes from its imprisonment
My nipple resembles a gummy bear interred into a
Goblet brimming with French Vanilla ice cream
Yet, it is a quiet arrival, as if I were tip toying
So as not to disturb someone…repressed…

Unruffled, and elegant. As I embrace my bewildered
Pillow, I think to myself, that if instead of this
Mute pillow, it had been him who had touched me…
How wonderful that would have been
His touch, his scent, his laughter…
And if his...if he...

Had penetrated the deepest recesses of my
Treacherous body, it would not have been
A quiet arrival! It would have been more like….
His touch would melt me like the ice bergs
In Antarctica. I would have convulsed and
Exploded with the similar joy and euphoria of…

Mandela’s when released from imprisonment!
The American hostage’s when they found freedom
From the guerrillas in Colombia!
The man’s whose numbers match the mega lottery’s!
Obama’s when he won the Presidency…and that of
The joy of the faithful, upon the arrival of the Messiah!

He might complain when I crush his hand in a vicious
Hold between my thighs, or grab him in an internal vice lock
With the effort exerted when advancing the leg press
Collared with 180 lbs. iron weights -- a hundred times over!
Yet, such is the thirst and hunger of one who’s traveled
A long and arduous road, forgoing vital nourishment

When one is stripped of the acquired rudiments, be them
Socio-economic, racial divides, or inculcated doctrines…
What is then left? Merely a man instilled with the urge
To procreate, and a woman who for moments morphs…
Into a bitch in heat
This I say to my pillow, as the street light invades my room







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Namesake

I woke up in the middle of the night
The short, sheer nightgown, plastered to me
As I lay there, I realized that my subconscious
Had absorbed as if by osmosis, collective anxieties
I’ve registered and captured those like fingerprints

I calmed my mind and closed my eyes
Some moments later, a surge of powerful energy
Rushed over me. With resolution I sat up
And said to my self, you have to embrace your
Namesake

I used to be ashamed of my first name, because it is so strange
I braced for the inevitable question at the beginning of each class
“How do you pronounce your name?”... “Oh, it’s beautiful,”
Most would say. I did not share that sentiment for a long time
I was ashamed of it, like the clunky shoes my mother bought…

For me on sale, when I was in the sixth grade. Kids made fun of
Those, yet, if I knew then, what I know now, I would have walked
Proud of my clunky shoes, because they were unique, uncommon,
And my mother had bought those with much sacrifice
Once I looked up the origin and meaning of my name…

It grew on me; I wore it with ease, because it is powerful,
Uncommon, and unique. Yes, it is beautiful I agree
My first name, so unusual I’ve never encountered
Anyone else with such a name, is derived from the
One which means warrior-like

I am that, is true. I have to embrace the warrior in me
Walk with hand on sword, ever vigilant of my surroundings
Don’t trust each smiling face that you encounter; seek to
Unfold the true nature and motives in those around you
Don’t give pearls to pigs, for they won’t appreciate them

Most importantly, live fearlessly, for what is the worst
That can happen to you? To simply morph and travel forth,
So in perspective, that’s not so bad no? Revel in the complete
Freedom of not worrying about what others’ will think of you
You know one can’t please everyone, all of the time, don't you?

Be prudent and ever vigilant of those around you;
The smiling faces hide so much of their true nature
They hide the malice, vanity, avarice, envy, and predatory nature
The total moral bankruptcy and the fervent need to belong
And fit into society – at any cost, including their very soul

Steer clear and don’t try to change them. Acknowledge that is it
Better to run with those who vibrate at a similar frequency
For one can feel alone in a room full of boisterous noise
Be true to self, believe with conviction, and you will pass the test
Leave those to their kind, and seek those who seek the light





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Unquenchable Thirst

My lips are parched and my eyes are glazed
I wish I could curl up on a bus stop bench,
and allow the powerful sun to embrace me and to heal
This nasty cold. It is oppressively hot today
and it's not even close to summer yet!

I ambulate like a zombie to Mc Donalds to quench
my acute thirst. My tongue feels like a cotton sock
Stuffed in my mouth. I'm slightly perspiring due to the
humid heat; I must get some liquid in me. I could drink a
Gallon right now. By the way, I only consume soda, coffee...

Or toilet paper there -- occasionally an oatmeal cookie
Just saying, because I don't want to promote their fare
As the merciless sun begins its retreat on a solitary street
A man coincidentally walks from the opposite side of the sidewalk
I see him, and he sees me, although he cannot see my eyes

Who will move aside as we thread the same path at opposite ends I wonder?

Not I; I am in my bitchy mode, besides nursing a runny nose
I walk forth with a determined stride; my breasts pushing against
My white top lead the way. I dare you to touch me; I tell him
Telepathically. In the end, we came to an inch of almost touching
Hands and arms. I think it's quite comical...

The dog-like behavior, each guarding our perspective territories
I rapidly sip half the soft drink cup, welcoming the cool liquid
over my parched tongue; I face the heat of the muggy eve once
again. Damn it's hot! Perspiration gathers in between valleys
This means it's going to be a cruel summer

Then I recall my '09 horoscope I read sometime in January...
It said that I'd meet someone, and that we'd become addicted to
each other. That is the best way to generate sweat I reckon
Then I wonder if that were true, where could he be right now?
Eh...at this very moment, he is probably screwing someone else




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Bouquet of Flowers

Yesterday I met a very nice woman,
We talked for a bit, and she told me
That she could not sleep.
At the stage of her life at five-and-a-half
Decades on this earth...she felt she was at
A disadvantage in the labor market

Lady what are you talking about?
Lend me your ear and pay attention to me please
You have experience behind you, and precious
Jewels of wisdom that you must use to adorn you
Do not harbor fear or defeat in your heart
Or mind, for those are good and true

Lady, do you know who you are?
We are flowers which thrive and bloom in
Arid deserts or verdant gardens
Beautiful and unique in our fragrance
Blessed with fortitude of spirit, endurance for
Formidable pain, and an uncanny sixth sense

Our petals open to expel the nectar of love
Give forth life, and grab a man by his soul
We are not the meek and servile beings from
Time immortal man has relegated beneath him
We are equal to men, for if our essence is composed
Of asexual, spiritual ether, how can we be any less?

We’re polarized energies, yet equal parts of a whole
No more, nor any less -- embrace your true worth
Use your talents and charms if you like, and use them well
Because those charms are ephemeral in a sense
But don't lose sight of the fact, we have been cheated and
Lied to for the longest time; for it suited man to keep us subverted

Ponder the feminine mystique; as you embrace every season
Surely the leaves will fall, and each flower will eventually
Whither, yet its essence is recorded in the archives of time
Can you imagine a world without women?
We are the fountains of love, and of life!
Love and respect yourself...at every stage.





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