My Confession

- “How long has it been since your last confession?” Asked the anonymous priest shielded from my view by the mesh partition.
- I have not been to confession in about two years father.
- “When was the last time you attended Mass?” he asked.
- Not since last Easter Sunday, and I thought it was interminable, sort of like penance – I didn’t stay for the whole mass.
- “Why didn’t you stay for the whole Mass? If you don’t stay until the final blessing, than it is not valid.” He said.
- I know father, just my heart is not in it, as it was when I was a child. My faith is as strong as ever. With every fiber of my being and soul, I have unbreakable faith in God, Jesus, The Virgin of Guadalupe, and a cluster of Saints. Particularly St. Martin de Porras. I walk anywhere in the world with the calmness and assurance I am protected by Him. However, I just feel the Church’s inflexible Dogma, is not congruent with today’s world. How can the Church ban condom use and birth control, when the world is running out of resources, and cannot contain explosive population growth? When there is world-wide epidemic of aids, and unwanted kids are exploited as slave workers in 3rd world countries; these forced at very young age, to hustle for money, as if to justify their very existence! Also, if the soul does not have gender, how come women are not allowed to be Priests? The head of the Episcopal Church is a woman. She is very wise – that cannot be denied. If studies reflect that women owned businesses’ flourish due to the personal touch, and effort of these women, why can’t the Catholic Church offer equal opportunity employment to women? The refusal to amend the vow of celibacy is perplexing. Especially in light of the sex abuse acts perpetuated by priests on children, the most vulnerable members of our society - and in the hands of whom we trust the most! By the way, I do not contribute money to the Church anymore, knowing this might be used to fund those court settlements!

Pause

- I’m sorry, as I was saying I am here to confess my sins.
- “Which are?" he asked.
- I have stolen. I took $5 to pay the lunch truck, this from funds I raise at the office selling soft drinks from my bar fridge. Funds are destined to have drinking water delivered to a shelter in Chiapas. See the lunch truck does not accept Visa.
- “You should repay that $5. Though it is very nice that you help the shelter.” He said.
- Yes, though I feel kind of bad, that to raise funds for the shelter, I also tempted an ex…hmm...friend - to buy personally soaked cigars from me. It was for a good cause after all. He paid $30 each.
- “Personally soaked cigars? I don’t understand, is there anything else you want to confess?” he inquired.
- Yes father. I have sinned of pride. I inquired about a job, and did not pursue it due to arrogance. I would not accept training as a Sub as a pre-requisite for the Dominatrix position.
- “What does this job entail? What is a sub training?” he asked.
- Well, basically it entails forfeiting all control to another, and the job I was applying for entailed inflicting physical, as well as verbal punishment to the male clientele.
- “Why would you want to do that? Don’t you have gainful employment?” he asked.
- Oh, yes I do! This was simply meant as an experimental observation on human nature. It would have been just for a few months, I assure you.
- (sigh) “Anything else you want to confess my child?” he asked wearily.
- Yes father, I have sinned of envy. Last weekend I browsed through a history book. Hmm… of nude photography, and I was envious of a girl with a really hot ass…OMG! - Oops!... sorry again, I mean, this model was blessed with exemplary physical attributes, and I was envious of her.
- (cough) “Please refrain from using profanity. Anything else you want to confess?” he asked.
- Yes father, I have an awful temper. When an idiotic driver, cut me off without signaling - I mean just two feet from me, when he could have caused a high impact collision on the fwy., I was livid! I increased my speed, caught up to par, to manually signal my discontent.
- “You must control that temper my dear. Anything else? He inquired seemingly impatient as the line outside the confessional seemed to get impatient as well.
- Yes father. I will make this brief. I am a glutton for chocolate, I do my laundry only when I have nothing else to wear, and I lay on hot bed of coals, consumed by lust, which leads me to masturbate…a lot.
- “Are you having pre-marital sex?” he inquired.
- Like… lately? Oh no…no! I mean…I only allowed one guy I really - really like to…to…well let’s just say, we did not have sexual intercourse. I simply gave him a blow job.
- “That does not constitute celibacy! You should have respect for yourself, as well as your body. Go pray for fifteen minutes. I absolve you of your sins.” He concluded exasperated.