Little Green Pill II

- “I’m sorry, where were we? Oh! your refusal of therapy. Please allow me to expound as to why therapy would be essential in addition to the antidepressant you solicit. Your notion that you feel a need to subjugate your libido could back fire. Your ego seems to be in conflict with your unconscious, as well as your superego. Suppressing this urge could result in adverse reactions; I’d like to know why you think you need to suppress your libido.”
- “Hmm I do have a conflict with whore/good girl mentality. Like, I won’t be intimate with a man, unless I have some kind of emotional attachment, and at this point, I am for some reason picking the wrong ones - on purpose. Like this man I met who was indecisive as to where to eat, and which movie to see. That type of indecisiveness makes me perceive him as weak. That brings a real dark side of me to light. Like this other man, who professes love for me…I simply use and abuse him, and only let him kiss my hand. By abuse, I mean, I make him pay for dinner - anything I want.
I figure this is OK, as in payback for the hurt inflicted by other men. Sort of like ping pong………………............ I just… I have depleted my tolerance for emotional pain – for heartache.
I just don’t have it in me no more Doc….can’t do it no more…please no more.” She said as her eyes watered, while she focused her attention on the view of the street.
- “Your mind may try to develop a defense mechanism in order to avoid pain, sort of intellectualizing away conscious urges, inhibiting them. That is really not healthy, for these urges could express themselves in unhealthy personality traits. It is sort of the kid in you wants a toy and will have a tantrum if you don’t get it, while the stern parent denies the toy, and your mind is torn between those forces and not getting it may lead you to gratify the desire for that toy through other things or destructive habits which could be categorized as neurosis.”
- “That’s true! There are certain things I keep in a locked cabinet file. Sort of like a Pandora box. I simply don’t open it. That is how I dealt with the death of someone. I didn't mourn - much. In fact I immersed myself in work a lot, I studied several levels of French…hmm I discarded all his clothes…pics are hidden somewhere. It is simply locked away – figuratively speaking.”
- “Care to share who this person was? Your father?”
- “I told you…it is locked away – NO!”
- “Only when we have rational approach to emotions, these caused by our thoughts, can we be free of self doubt, depression, and fear. In fact we create our emotions, by the thoughts we allow.” He said.
- “You are right. I have thought this rationally. I want the green pills to curtail my sex drive, because I.... You know, I have taken to driving recklessly as well as meeting total stranger for massage exchange. I fully know these are negative things. Therefore, it makes sense I curtail my sex drive. There comes a point in the massage that…even if I don’t find him attractive at all…I wish he would…do more. Not like sex, I could not care less about him. I meant, like him slowly pulling down my gym shorts, and moved aside the bit of fabric of my lacy undies...and...finger me. To very softly, almost imperceptibly caress me. Just a fantasy though. Then again some men are too clueless to read women. Anyway, does this makes sense?”
- “There are many games people play to substitute real intimacy. As well as those who use self-pity to avoid responsibility for life, or lack of motivation. There are several distortions of perception which cloud reasoning. In your case, perhaps it is disqualifying the positives, an all- or-nothing approach, jumping to conclusions, and giving yourself, as well as others – labels. Unless I have further study of your case, I cannot make you conscious of your underlying motivations. Will you agree to short term therapy?”
- “ I dunno nothing….I can’t think no more today Doc.; I will simply go to Tijuana. Thanks but no thanks.”